Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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