Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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