Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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