if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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