i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
