You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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