the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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