I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
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Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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