Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
