Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
