If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
