You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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