Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
