i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
