someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
