I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
