i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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