This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
