I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
