That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
