Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
