If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
