Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He managed to rip my nipple last night....