I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
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Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
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You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?