im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
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I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME