Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.