I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
