i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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