Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
