grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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