Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
