hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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