I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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