I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.