you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito