Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
