So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
