so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
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You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
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The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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