Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
