Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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