The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
