How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
