i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
