Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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