some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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