broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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