mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
