He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
