well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
