I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
