I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
