i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
