Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
