can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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