I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
