Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
