News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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