There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
